There’s no better way to celebrate summer and the long, balmy nights that come with it (here’s hoping) than going all Adam and Eve, pre-apple, in the wild. And this is exactly what I did on a particularly saucy weekend with the boyf.
Bumping uglies in the wild is not as easy as it may sound to a novice. Oh no, there’s all sorts to consider, from suitable dress to avoiding the prying (or horrified, more like) eyes of passers-by.
There are all sorts of vicious things out to get you, from ants to nettles to prickly surfaces, so no matter how un-romantic and anti-spur-of-the-moment it sounds, you will have to plan. Unless of course, soil in vag is what rocks your boat.
Firstly, you and your chosen paramour will need to get to your secret spawning spot. If you have a car, great, if not, best to scout out a suitable place beforehand. Nothing kills the buzz as effectively as walking around aimlessly for hours, peeking into every potential shrub and thicket. Finding a satisfactory site is a whole lot easier if you live in the countryside or a small town (lucky for me, my man lives in lush Sussex). In the city things become a bit trickier, but I have been known to do the dirty in a cul-de-sac in Camden. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. I wouldn’t recommend public parks, though, as it seems a bit too risky even for the most foolhardy.
When having sex outdoors one must follow a similar etiquette as with picnics: clean up after yourself. Bring tissues and/or wet wipes. Leaving condoms and their wrappings lying around is just bad form and very 14-year-old-drinking-cider-in-the-park.
When it comes to dressing right, ladies might want to consider a dress or a skirt, cause it’s just damn much easier that way. Also, if some hapless numskull happens to disturb your blissful session, you can cover up quickly. If you plan to get things going in a car before moving the action outside (like we did), you might want to roll down the windows a bit just to keep your ears tuned to the possible sound of a mob of nuns approaching suddenly from behind the bend. This is to avoid the cries of “‘Sin! Sacrilege!” that will inevitably follow. If you’re somewhere particularly green and lush, you might even catch the sound of birdsong, which is quite nice.
If you’re planning to go all sensible, bring a quilt of some sort to lie on. If vertical copulation is more to your liking, just find a tree to brace yourself against. The key here is to be quick: this is no time to dig out the Kama Sutra in hunt for the mystical four-hour orgasm.
The whole point of getting your rocks off outdoors is that there is a chance of getting caught, but no one actually wants to get caught with their proverbial pants down. So as long as you plan a bit beforehand, you’ll be sure to avoid any embarrassment and instead come away (pun intended) all the more grateful for sweet summertime.