I know what you’re thinking: “What have I done to deserve being subjected to yet another review of Google Glass?”
At this point we’re all painfully aware of the overwhelming downsides to owning Glass; wouldn’t it be better for everyone if we could just put it away and forget the ugly, brown stain on Google’s otherwise lustrous record?
Unfortunately, it is not to be. So instead of running through the situations in which Glass will not help you, let’s run through the infinitely shorter list of situations in which Glass will help you.
1. You’re being mugged and have no cash in your wallet.
You’re out walking home from a night in the East Village, it’s late and you’ve spent all of your cash on fancy cocktails and $1 slices. You’re a Glass owner, so you’re looking through the lens at pictures you’d covertly taken of some girl at the bar then never mustered the courage to speak to, when suddenly, in the blurry distance you notice something happening outside of your little Glass world. Two men are approaching you. They want your cash. You have none, but you offer them your Glass. At first they refuse: they can’t resell that. But after explaining to them how much you spent on it, they take pity and accept the Glass before leaving you in peace.
2. You’re missing a hand.
Your left hand to be specific. Glass isn’t completely hands free, so you’re going to need that right one to touch the frame of the glasses from time to time. Alternatively, if you’re missing your left hand, the world is your oyster. With Glass you can easily do things like carry a coffee at the same time as you post pictures of it to Facebook; something that one-handed people could only dream of in a world before Glass.
3. Sending a message to an unwanted crush.
Someone has had a crush on you for a while. They’re pretty obvious about it. You know about it, everyone around you knows about it, you just don’t know how to deal with it without public shame and humiliation. Go to the store, pick up a pair of Google Glass and give it to your unwanted crusher as a gift. Sure, you’ll be down $1,500 dollars but he/she will get the message loud and clear: you’re not interested.
4. You’re enjoying your first job.
You finished college and moved back home while you searched for a job. Now you’re in that first sweet gig, but still living with the folks. That’s cool, we’ve all been there. You’re earning more money than you’ve ever seen before, plus you’re not paying rent or food. Countless hours are spent browsing the Internet for things to splurge on. You’ve already bought way too many limited edition Air Jordans but you still have cash to burn. “Maybe I’ll try Google Glass,” you think to yourself. Voilà, you no longer need to worry about your surplus cash.
5. You’re trying to get healthy and lose weight.
Glass has a couple of fitness apps to help you get in shape. So the best thing to do is to go and buy yourself a pair of Google Glass. Now you’re $1,500 out of pocket. This means that you now have $1,500 less to spend on junk food. If you wanted to take it a step further, you could actually wear your newly purchased Glass. You’ll notice a sharp decline in invitations to social events, thus giving you greater control over your diet. Once again, Glass saves the day.