Junk food is a childhood pastime that presents itself with nostalgic moments in many cases and horror in others. A child could be an easy victim of marketing or seduced by the allure of a tantalising product that delivered joy on each occasion one’s parents would grace the family shopping cart with a beloved sugar-filled food craved by their offspring. Here are a couple of childhood foods that encapsulated the wonder of being able to consume whatever food one desired without any concern for health, and the products aimed at children that completely failed to spark the imagination:
Hi-C Ecto Cooler – ADD-inducing
Hi-C Ecto Cooler was the greatest thing to ever grace the presence of a juice box. It resembled anti-freeze fluid yet tasted like victory. Other juice boxes paled in comparison. Capri Suns shivered in fear at the sight of it. Juicy Juices committed Seppuku at the mere mention of it.
So what happened to possibly the greatest beverage ever to bestow itself unto mankind? Has its disappearance been a smiting gesture induced by a vengeful celestial being? Was it wiped off grocery store shelves in a conspiratorial attempt to hide from the public its direct correlation to Attention Deficit Disorder? Is it being hoarded as the liquid gold that it is by a swarthy billionaire that maintains an Olympic-size swimming pool of it in a hidden underground lair on the moon? Was it a finite gift brought to us by aliens? Has its production been interrupted by a terrorist attack too highly classified for any media outlet to dare report on?
Most likely elements of each of these possible conclusions are true. The mystery of the disappearance of the once highly coveted Hi-C Ecto Cooler remains one of the most pervasive mysteries that mankind has ever faced.
Have you ever craved cake frosting but always had to deal with that pesky cake to get it? That problem was solved by Dunkaroos; they not only made eating cake frosting acceptable, but an ergonomic genius took it even further and developed a Graham cracker to replace any inedible eating utensil that may pose as an obstacle to that delectable cake frosting.
Unfortunately, the product was banned after fun-hating conservatives and liberals with moral hubris joined forces to reap the flow of children’s tears that resulted from its removal from grocery store shelves. Fortunately, the product is still available at most grocery stores if you ask for Eduardo in the dairy section.
Oreo O’s Cereal – The breakfast ruiner
Oreo cookies were a staple of any childhood diet, or at least a desired one, so it would make since to market Oreos in a breakfast cereal form to feign a more nutritionally sound approach, right? Wrong. This cereal was an egregious blemish on the Oreo brand name. It tasted like someone used Oreos to enhance the flavour of dry dog food. You could have marketed rabbit poop pellets under an Oreo brand cereal and it would have sold successfully.