Junk food is a childhood pastime that presents itself with nostalgic moments in many cases and horror in others. A child could be an easy victim of marketing or seduced by the allure of a tantalising product that delivered joy on each occasion one’s parents would grace the family shopping cart with a beloved sugar-filled food craved by their offspring. Here are a couple of childhood foods that encapsulated the wonder of being able to consume whatever food one desired without any concern for health, and the products aimed at children that completely failed to spark the imagination:

The Best 

Hi-C Ecto Cooler – ADD-inducing

Hi-C Ecto Cooler was the greatest thing to ever grace the presence of a juice box. It resembled anti-freeze fluid yet tasted like victory. Other juice boxes paled in comparison. Capri Suns shivered in fear at the sight of it. HICJuicy Juices committed Seppuku at the mere mention of it.

So what happened to possibly the greatest beverage ever to bestow itself unto mankind? Has its disappearance been a smiting gesture induced by a vengeful celestial being? Was it wiped off grocery store shelves in a conspiratorial attempt to hide from the public its direct correlation to Attention Deficit Disorder? Is it being hoarded as the liquid gold that it is by a swarthy billionaire that maintains an Olympic-size swimming pool of it in a hidden underground lair on the moon? Was it a finite gift brought to us by aliens? Has its production been interrupted by a terrorist attack too highly classified for any media outlet to dare report on?

Most likely elements of each of these possible conclusions are true. The mystery of the disappearance of the once highly coveted Hi-C Ecto Cooler remains one of the most pervasive mysteries that mankind has ever faced.

Dunkaroos – Greatest cause of tooth decayCHIPS

Have you ever craved cake frosting but always had to deal with that pesky cake to get it? That problem was solved by Dunkaroos; they not only made eating cake frosting acceptable, but an ergonomic genius took it even further and developed a Graham cracker to replace any inedible eating utensil that may pose as an obstacle to that delectable cake frosting.

Unfortunately, the product was banned after fun-hating conservatives and liberals with moral hubris joined forces to reap the flow of children’s tears that resulted from its removal from grocery store shelves. Fortunately, the product is still available at most grocery stores if you ask for Eduardo in the dairy section. 

 

The Worst

Oreo O’s Cereal – The breakfast ruiner

Oreo cookies were a staple of any childhood diet, or at least a desired one, so it would make since to market Oreos in a breakfast cereal form to feign a more nutritionally sound approach, right? Wrong. This cereal was an egregious blemish on the Oreo brand name. It tasted like someone used OreoOreos to enhance the flavour of dry dog food. You could have marketed rabbit poop pellets under an Oreo brand cereal and it would have sold successfully.

The origin of Oreo O’s cereal is still disputed, but the story goes that a high-up Oreo employee dropped a stack of Oreos in his cat’s used litter box and scooped them out with a bowl. The sight struck him with the idea for an Oreo cereal and the excitement of its potential distracted himself and every Oreo employee so much that no one even bothered to try the cereal before it was boxed up and sent out all over the country. Upon arrival in home kitchens under much anticipation the cereal was a widespread disappointment. Breakfast was nearly ruined forever. Childhood dreams were crushed before any chance of their fruition. If Oreos couldn’t even be transformed into a formidable cereal, then what other disgruntling failures lay in the futures of children everywhere? Many children opted never to find out.
 
Reactions to the cereal ranged from constant bouts of sobbing to immediate usage of highly addictive drugs. Cities all over the country are still recovering from the impact induced by Oreo Os on all the children subjected and crushed by the false hope the brand name promised.
 
EZ Squirt Purple Ketchup – Highly unsuccessful marketing ployEZ
 
“Let’s make ketchup purple so it can be like all our other favourite purple coloured foods!” said former Heinz employee.
 
This purple ketchup idea was awful. Heinz’s attempt to make using ketchup fun was blindsided to the fact that ketchup is used for already unhealthy fried junk foods; there was no need to highlight how bad for you fries smothered in ketchup are by making the ketchup purple. Heinz had to learn the hard way that the demand for ketchup has peaked and no voodoo magic or food colouring market gimmicks are going to change that.
 
Michael Sainato